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Sep. 15th, 2006


(no subject)

i once agreed
to your greed
fell in the hole
lost total control
no going back
can't retake the grasp
but what i see
and what you can be
are not the same
a different game
once or twice
naughty or nice
this or that
mountains are flat
this isn't correct
this life you neglect
rolling smoke
makes you choke
clouded and dense
makes little sense
it's now so clear
controlled by fear
but what you don't know
is where i go
so make it fast
so it won't last
'cuz i am through
with all parts of you

it rattled around in my head.
i had to write it down.

hi and stuff.

well it's finally friday.. and today was a good day..
no boss's around at work... so we went out and had drinks for lunch..
then after work i went and had a few beers ...
came home.. had taco salad..
and took back some movies i'd rented..

one of which, was Kiss Kiss Bang Bang... and that is an awsome movie.. i really enjoyed it.

i'm really looking forward to tomorrow..
.. our office is holding a party for our boss who is leaving the company..
and drinks will be flowing steadily... i'm staying in springfield..
don't need to drive..

taxi's will be taken.
no driving at all... that'll be cool..

today was funny.. when we came back from lunch.. we saw 2 grasshoppers fucking...
and so i video'd it with m'phone... ... and made sounds... .. and said things such as "oh yeah, take it" and "it's soo big" ... funny shit..
but i think maybe you had to be there..

this weekend shall be fun..
and i can not wait..

storms are coming to me on Sunday.. and i love them so
i want them.. we need them..

i have a toothache.. it's been swollen.. but pain meds and anti-biotics have been taking care of it.. and it's almost all the way back down..
which is good.

ooh i got a haircut yesterday.. ... it feels so much better.
for some reason i always wait until i -really- need a hair cut instead of going on a regular basis
i don't know why.

i shall buy a bottle of tequila.
my buddy shall buy southern comfort
we've already purchased beer
cards shall be played
laughter will be shared
champagne shall fall from the heavens
our oblivious slumber shall be heard for many miles

it's all about fun.
cigarettes and liquor
good times and good friends
these are the times i miss

and these are the times i shall get back
i tip my hat to the maker of menthol cigarettes and 80 proof liquor

this concludes my secret public journal.

Sep. 5th, 2006


(no subject)

i'm sober now
but does it make any difference?
things seem worse now
after abandoning my sustenace

so who'se to blame now
if i'm no longer a scape-goat
no longer here at the end of your pointing finger
a point of blame to keep -your- head afloat

and i don't know what to do
and anymore i don't know who i am inside
this almost isn't worth as much
this fucking life i only live to despise

i can't keep anyone happy
no matter how many times i try
i keep getting walked all over
without any rhyme or reason why

.. i can't write this.
who is indifferent anymore?
and whose eyes are riddled with lies now?
and why is turn about fair play?
and if you gave a fuck before, why don't you anymore?

.. so if anyone wonders if my life is better now that i'm sober..
i'm not too sure..
i almost can't help myself.
i just need to.
i need.
and because of that .. i hate
it doesn't make sense, i know.
but what -i- know.. i hate.

back and forth between my hang ups..
this is ridiculous.

Aug. 25th, 2006


(no subject)

hi and stuff...
i haven't updated in forever..
like 4 years, i think.. heh.. but i'm going to maybe start updating again..

i see i still have friends on here and stuff.. thats cool..

i guess i should type what i've done lately.. or maybe the past 4 years... heh..

well.. first.. i got high.. daily.. and nightly..
.. then.. lost my job.. got sent to prison..
boy this is sounding promising.. -snicker-..

i got out of prison April 14th of this year..
.. got a new job.. i make dentures for a dental clinic in Springfield.
making decent money..
and most importantly, i'm clean now..

i go into the pork every now and again..
m'single and stuff.
was involved with a couple of chicks..
not at the same time..
.. but neither of them worked out..

and now i'm just working and concentrating on staying out of trouble.
and so far i'm doing pretty good..
i home-planned to my grandmothers.. so i'm living with her for now..
until i start getting my bonus's and stuff.. i'm kinda stuck here..

aaaand i got a new truck..
a 2000 black chevy 1500 .. it's sweet.. i love it.

but anyway.. thats what i've been up to.. i guess..

Oct. 14th, 2002


(no subject)

it's cold enough that we've got a fire going in the fire place..
which ofcourse then makes it too hot in the living room and throughout the rest of the house, besides my room.

when this happens, i close my door, and my window stays open....

as i'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep, our neighbor's dogs howl, and keep howling..
.. and in the slience, and the darkness of my room.. i can't help but to think of the countless long nights i've spent here in this room, listening to those same dogs voice thier howls, interrupted only by the sound of cars that go by the house every few minutes..

it's a scene that just seems to settle me
those countless long nights are what i lived for.
tonight will be no exception... i'll lay in bed, and try and try to fall asleep just like any other night, but won't fulfill my need for hours to come.

i'm going to lay down and dream of ways i could have gotten myself higher
while it makes me lower

Oct. 5th, 2002


(no subject)

I don't feel what you say I should
I'm 100 miles away from where you stood
I'm the opposite of what you think
I work the effect of what you drink
you know I'm not here
drowning in your fear
yet you beg me to stay
why do you want it this way
maliciousness never gets you very far
I never understand anything you are
I can't get rid of you
and there isn't anything you won't do
to keep me close to home
but somehow I still feel so alone
I'm not sure how you hold me here
silently watching as I cry you these tears
but oh I can do so much more
I can put my knees to the floor
I can beg you to forgive me
for everything I've yet to be
how can I remember, when I can't even forget
nothing you do helps our nagging discontent
filtering these thoughts, just to remember your name
I'm speechless, somehow nothing seems the same
everything is different and it's all your fault
you're the reason my life came to this halt
I want redemption, as well as everything you can't give
sadly enough, you can't stop living whatever it is you live
my answers abstain, but were never thought upon
it's funny, yet you knew this all along
I love the only person I can not trust
I can't hide it, because it means too much
I never liked the greener side of hate
now all we do is never communicate
I'm robbed of everything I've never had
I'm in need of everything you won't give back
your a figment of everyone I thought I needed
you were everything until your outlook turned conceited
I'm willing to give everything I promised I wouldn't
don't think I can't just because you thought I couldn't
so when the day you lose all the control you thought you had comes
don't come running to me when everything comes undone
I'm done with this, and I'm done with you
I'm only doing everything you've pushed me to do.

Sep. 25th, 2002


(no subject)

I sit here in my smokey room..
I realize that in 15 minutes the alarm clock will go off..
but I won't be there to shut it off...

alarm clocks never wait on anyone..
they always do their job, unless an uncontrollable mishap, takes place

the alarm signals the beginning of a new day..
and the end to a nights rest..
the remnants of my blurry vision haunt me when I'm awake
they take me to this place
and my soul never feels more at home

no fancy music, just silence..
no highway lights, just black
no annoying voices, just your inner-self

nothing, but everything that you are
but don't ever take that away from someone else
it's something that cannot be taken
and it cannot be given
it has to be grown, by the person that holds the soul of themselves
no help, no guide
just your mistakes and your lessons
and once you know what not to do..
what you're supposed to do will be clear as day

and you won't worry about airplane ticket prices
.. or if you'll be in Chicago on time...
or when your next meeting with Mr. Big Shot is
it'll just be you..
in a darkened room
surrounded by your thoughts
enchanted by your voice
and sucked in by the dreams you create

and once you've thought up your reality
it can be given to you
for you to cherish, and never let go

it'll be a day, where everything goes right, and nothing can go wrong
everyone is on your side, and you're happy to be who you are
I can take you to a place where you won't feel alone
but you'll be more alone than you could even dream of being
after all, being alone is what makes you listen to what you tell yourself

no stupid opinions being shoved down your throat
no one telling you that this is the wrong thing to do
right and wrong are only a perception that differs from one to another
there is no right, there is no wrong..
if there is no spoon, then bending it is simple..
if there's no right or wrong, then choices are now easy
your risk drops from bad to good
and you find yourself taking opportunities you never otherwise would
you've made a better life for you and anyone else who'd care

just look at what's come of these 15 minutes I've had alone..
.. you can only imagine what could come out of a lifetime of being alone
no one judging you on how you look, or how you act
no one putting you down, for what you said, or what you did
just you and yourself, and now you'll get to know each other
.. because you have know yourself, before you can know anyone else
if you don't know yourself..
how do you expect anyone else to?..

my only wish is that everyone should feel this way
where will I be in 500 years
I'll plan out my life, as if I'll live forever
you can't fool time, but you can make yourself think you are

what the brain perceives as real, the body accepts..
.. if it's perception, then is there anything that isn't real?

when your soul is locked in a room by itself
only then will you understand the meaning in what i'm trying to say

would you love me any less, if i hurt you anymore?

i sit down..
.. i chill..
everything seems normal..

but suddenly, someone comes up the stairs..
.. only to inform you that you have a phone call..

quickly, but calmly you go and answer the phone..
.. someone you don't know is talking to you on the other end.
you hear what seems like words..
but all you make out is is mumble

they're asking for your name, and you can't reply
sitting the phone down you begin to wonder whats happened to you

everything you look at seems to slowly fade away...
as if you were in some shape shifting fantasy that you unintenionally invited yourself into..

so you sit yourself down in a chair to calm yourself as your inside have now begun to work overtime as you worry uncontrolably about what's happened to you..

are you unaware of your surroundings?..
do you even care what goes on around you..
do you bask at the thought of forever
or do you hide in the lack of time you have

what did the telephone have anything to do with it..
why is everything different since that phone call
could someone have planted something inside you..
or am i just paranoid in my normal sedated state..

no one seems to notice anything different, so it must just be me
but how can i be crazy enough to believe that i see the world through different eyes...
from a phone call..

even your fucked up brain can't believe something as far off as that..
i can feel myself crawl back to the hole i dug myself out of
but i was so lost i can't remember where the hole was..

you spill these seeds at my childs feet
and you expect him not to wonder what they are
you use and manipulate curiosity just to get what you want
and the way i see is the way it looks, when you're cloaked with pain

you managed to escape everything you couldn't build
when you woke up this morning you had no idea you were being hunted
now everything is so crystal clear...
how could you have missed all the warnings, the details, the surroundings.

all the right answers won't save you from what you've already started
there's no rhyme or reason, but now i see through you
i've figured you out, and today you won't be around to see me fail

everything about you seems so far away..
and now i'm certain that you have no idea of who i am
so i'll calmy turn the other way, and you won't see my, anymore.

Sep. 8th, 2002


(no subject)

jesus christ, i've been sick..
i hate it..
i hate it
i hate it..

i'm feeling a bit better today.. .. but now m'stomach is starting to turn..

i've been kinda wishing i've had that. west nile virus..
.. but i don't think i do..

i went to the doctor the other day, n'she just gave me some kinda cough shit, and anti-biotics.. hopefully that'll do the trick..

i've been falling asleep at like mid-night, n'waking up at 5 n'6 in the morning..
it sucks..
i hate being sick.. but hopefully i won't be sick for too much longer.
i haven't been able to smoke ciggs, because m'chest is so full of shit..

but it's easier today.. i've been having nicotine fits.. it's horrible..

but i think m'gunna go lay down for a little while longer..

Sep. 4th, 2002


- Pardon me, while I burst into flames -

okay, well it's going to storm here -really- bad, so i'm not going to be on for a while..
.... plus m'neice is in the hospital.. but is doing okay..
i'll fill anyone who cares, in later..

but for now, i'm just leaving this note..

.. and now i'mma save m'modem..

be back later on, i hope.

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