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Apr. 11th, 2009


busy busy busy

Today I helped my dad move some of his stuff out of his old house..
The people that left, left a couch and love seat that looks great so I am going to keep them..
I'm now in my 3rd week of college and things are getting heavy, though i'm handling it okay, i'm making about a 90 percent in one class, and 100 in the other..
Given my track record with school, that is pretty damn good..
I feel really well, and I'm happy with all the changes that I'm making, and how everything seems to be falling into place..
Monday I go see my counselor again, though there isn't too much to talk about because I've already done everything that she wants.. But I still have about 8 weeks to go..
My job is going great, I turned down an Assistant Managaer position because my hours would go down, even though the pay is more.. it didn't equal out..
I got my laptop.. and it's awsome.. I love it.. and so far Vista is just amazing.. so much easier..
I think next weekend we're going to buy a new lawn mower.. one of those zero turn ones.. I've always wanted one.. and I can't wait..
.. I know things have changed when i'm getting excited about a lawn mower..
But it's okay.. I enjoy that shit now..

Well I think i'm going to go to bed ..

You kiddies take care, and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Mar. 31st, 2009


is the season here?..

i'm trying to establish credit..
i have no credit..
and if you don't have any credit it's really hard to get anyone to consider you a safe credit risk..
.. but if you have bad credit... they'll give you credit cards for anything...
i just don't understand it.. and it pisses me off... and i'm at a dead end it seems like... and i don't know what to do..

i had a great day at work today.. but on my way home i kind of got hit with a sour mood... ... and i don't know what the problem is...
but anyway.. i'm going to go to bed early tonight... and try to sleep in a little.. and see if that helps...
i need to cool it on some things.. i'm trying to do too much too soon i think... i have to learn some sort of balance..

and it's hard... i want things when i want them... and life doesn't work that way.. and it sucks..
... i have to regain that patience i had with i was in prison... things move so slow in there... you don't have a choice..

.. well anyway.. i'm done for now..

Mar. 27th, 2009


a sudden creative thought...

this new chill in the air
feels comfortable everywhere
i go here, i go there
with this new chill in the air

this new look in my eye
looks like truth in a re-born lie
i look left, i look right
with this new look in my eye

this new beating heart
beats like it's never been apart
it stops, and it starts
my new beating heart

this new state of mind
thinks like it's properly aligned
it loses, then it finds
my new state of mind


well wed. night i had my first class and it was cool the way they did it... and the interaction with everyone...
then thurs. night was my second class... and i liked it too... we have discussion boards we have to use.. it's part of our grade.. and i have 4 homework assignments to do this weekend.. but they're not to hard... yet... i do think they'll get harder...
but thats okay.. i'm up for the challenge...

and i think next week we have to observe ppl standing in line and then post in the discussion board the interpretation of what we saw..
sounds fun..

at any rate.. i'm excited... and i think most of the other ppl in the class are just as excited... we're all new to the online college expierience... with the exception of a few people... so we're all learning and growing together... which i like.. i don't feel alone when it comes to that..

so i'm attacking that front..

on the job front.. i've worked 10 days straight.. and finally have this weekend off.. and i do believe i'll have all weekends off.. which is going to help..
but i should have a decent paycheck... so i'll be able to get alot of things paid off... and alot of things done around the house here...
new carpet.. and tile.. a new lawn mower... i've ordered a dell laptop already.. that should be here soon.. i can't wait.. i've never had one...

but anyway... i talked to my sponsor today.. and thats always fun.. i like him.. we share alot of laughs.. and thats always enjoyable..
today i saw someone i used to get high with... and i looked out the window at her.. and she had kids with her and some other chick.. and it's all cloudy and overcast.. and she's hopin' around in her car with sunglasses on and shit.. so she was high i'm sure... so i just turned around n'went back to the kitchen...

some people probably won't change... though i still hope they do.. no one deserves to be in the clutches of addiction..

... i do like Mt. Dew.. .. and cigarettes, even though they're getting really expensive...

it feels so good to be off work tomorrow.. and sunday! ...
we're supposed to get snow tomorrow... though m'not sure if we are... the weatherman isn't sure where exactally it's going to fall.. the biggest amounts anyway..

so i'm hoping tomorrow will atleast be pretty... the snow will be gone by sunday.. .. but thats okay..
well.. i think thats all for now... i'll post more later.

Mar. 23rd, 2009


on the go go go...

i've been out just over a month... tomorrow will be exactally one year clean.. and i feel good..
i got a job last week... and my life feels so much more normal with a job.. and some sort of income coming in...
school starts the day after tomorrow.. i'm nervous.. i don't know what to expect.. but i'm sure things will go okay.. .. though i still don't have my books.. and i'm worried about that..
-makes a note to call my academic advisor-..
i ordered a laptop.. that should be in soon... i'll have a wireless dsl connection so i'll be able to go around the house and still be on the internet..

just got back from counseling a little bit ago..
my counselor is a flake.. but i suppose she has some good advice...
though everything she's said to do.. i've done and then some... i really do feel accomplished.. i feel like i've done alot..
but i know i still have alot of work ahead of me..
i'll be working full time.. and going to school via the internet.. full time.. so we'll see how that works..

so i'm staying away from old friends... i've made a couple of new ones... but they seem okay.. a little crazy.. but okay.. and i don't hang out with anyone who uses..
i have one really good friend who i used to get high with.. but now we're both sober.. he's going on 5 years.. so thats cool..
at any rate.. i think it's time to get some strawberry short cake.. ... i love that stuff..

Mar. 19th, 2009


a new track

so i was in prison... i got out Feb. 17th ... was in there for a little over a year.. but it certainly straightened me out..
.. March 24th will be one year sober.. no drugs.. no alcohol.. and i feel really good..
i had to go to court in 3 different counties... and i have a bunch of money to pay.. .. and i was worried because finding a job is so hard right now..
but i looked and pulled some strings and had other people pull some strings... and i got one... it's not a great job... but it's some sort of income..
i'm a cook at sonic... nothing great.. but i will have a paycheck and i'll be able to move forward...

something else i've done... i enrolled in college... i'm going to be majoring in psychology ... in 4 years i'll have a bachelors degree... and my goal is to become a substance abuse counselor..

that is a big change for me... but i think i'd be good at it... and this is the best i've been in my life.. ... and as it stands now.. i don't really have anything..
but it's all in how you look at it... i can only go up from here... so i'm happy...
things are changing... i'm changing... and i'm a better person for it...

so anyway.. finally things are falling into place... but it'll be several years before they're in place.. but thats okay.. because once they are.. i'll be on top of the world..

Mar. 18th, 2009


long lost journal

i haven't updated this in a long time... and i think i'm going to start keeping a journal...
i think it's a good thing... so i'm going to post this... because i like it.. and i suppose if anyone wondered.. or cared where i was.. or how i was doing... maybe this will answer those questions...

I was irresponsible so the put me in a place where I had no responsibilities
I wasn't a productive member of the community so they isolated me from the community
I wasn't positive and constructive so they put me in a place where we're degraded and useless
I wasn't trustworthy so they put me in a place where there is no trust
I wasn't kind so they placed me where i was subjected to hatred and cruelty
I wasn't loving so they put me where there is little love
They wanted me to be non-violent so they put me where there is violence all around
They wanted me to quit being a tough guy so they placed me where the tough guy is respected
They wanted me to be a winner so they placed me where all the losers are housed under one roof
They wanted me to quit exploiting people so they put me where people exploit one another
They wanted me to see myself so they sent me to a place where i didn't like what I saw
I wanted to change who i was and now they are helping me to do that.

well thats all for now... i'll post more later...

Jan. 1st, 2007


ring around the rosie...

.. another year has graced us with it's precense..
and another birthday eve has come my way.
tomorrow, 25 years ago, i was born by a mother who didn't care if she never saw me after they took me away.
.. i was born into a family that is riddled with drug and alcohol abuse.. diabetes.. high blood pressure.. stupidity.. and a general know how for not caring..

ah yes, this day i have much to be thankful for.

.. i'm thankful for the hardships i was hit with early on.
because of that.. i've been blessed with a certain mental awareness.. as well as a certain automatic oblivion..
which comes in handy..
i like being able to be in a place where you can't see..
.. even though.. i'm -right- there.. .. still.. being seen is almost impossible..
and i enjoy that.. or atleast i did..

i'm ready to settle down.
to show everyone that i have the ability to realize that how i was raised isn't how it's supposed to be.
not only that..
but show them how it -is- supposed to be.

but then again..
i'm also ready to show everyone what happens when you raise someone like you raised me..
how they never do anything right... never make anything of themselves..
.. just aimlessly wander through their numerous fuck-ups.

and blame you for it.

.. yeah..
the choice is clear.
depending upon who you are.

.. hey.. once upon a time..
there was a person who lived happily ever after.

Oct. 24th, 2006


(no subject)

they keep coming back
over and over the story stays the same
never changing, no begining and no end
it used to be exciting but now it's just lame

the people on the left
have something against the ones on the right
both sides talk shit to those in the middle
who out of boredom enjoy getting both sides to fight

but because of the rain, it's okay
tomorrow they'll forget what was fought for today
and because it was all done just for something to do
it really doesn't make a flying fuck, anyway

but no one see's, again it goes un-noticed
usually when i laugh it's because i've nothing to say
what difference does it make, really
to a person who can't tell the difference between night and day

Sep. 25th, 2006


something else, new

what is time
a measurement of what
how long it takes to fail
or simply run out of luck

what is being healed
transforming wounds to scabs
until you live your life
huddled behind a display of white flags

what is faith
leaving 3 minutes too soon
to meet head-on with a car
that'd been driving since yesterday afternoon

what is destiny
but a heartache in disguise
a part in loves machine
as it coninues to flawlessly victimize

what is belief
but a foundation built on the unknown
in the end leaving you empty and lonley
yet at the same time, never alone

what is fear
but a reaction to what you know is hard
causing focus to shift from the problem
to holding fear of it in highest reguard

what is real
but only everything that shouldn't be
because what feels right & pure
is always never a reality

what is truth
but a correct perception that hurts
and we cling to places furthest from it
though it's an escape that only comes in spurts

what is life
but on large contorted mess
driving us to search for some kind of fix
to try and relieve common self-induced stress

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